C U Next Tuesday

C U Next Tuesday

‘Wondercunt’ is my favourite new profanity.

In case you’re a confused or dumb-ass cunt a wondercunt is indeed a noun and refers to ‘someone who is such a cunt that compared to a normal cunt—they seem advanced.’

I have several wondercunts in my life and I love them dearly. Not the least which because when I thusly inform them they are wondercunts they’re cunty little eyes will fill with cuntly little tears as they embrace me and tell me that a) they fucking love me too or b) I can go and get fucked, may as well fuck myself in fact since few people will want such a dirty mouth within two feet or their motherfucking precious bits.

Or not, because with that kind of stellar fucking advertising the line may get rather too long for mere-ass mortals and I will be left with a singular category of wondercunts waiting to annex South Cunt as they are tired of the tyranny of North Cunt, that rambling orifice of vulgarity and shameless proponent of the profane.

At any rate, a moment like that is when you know that shit is serious between two motherfucking cunts, as opposed to two regular cunts incapable of weeping over profound compliments such as these.

The so-called higher part of myself feels obliged to outline a history of the word ‘cunt’ and therefore obtain a modicum of redemption in the eyes of the literati, the puritanical, and the well-bred.

But I won’t—I’m a tired, overworked cunt who finds the idea of summarizing such a history utterly motherfucking tedious.

So here’s a list of stellar cunts who have snuck their namesake—directly or indirectly—into some of the most iconic literary works familiar to both regular and gifted bastards. Please note that the list is by no means exhaustive, though I can personally vouch for each motherfucking entry here:

• Chaucer, Canterbury Tales
• Andrew Marvell, To His Coy Mistress
• Shakespeare, Ophelia and Twelfth Night (and probably more, that dirty, brilliant bastard)
• John Donne, The Good-Morrow
• Germaine Greer, Lady, Love Your Cunt
• D.H Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover
• Robert Burns, Merrie Muses of Caledonia
• Marianne Faithful sang about it on Broken English and Azealia Banks spits out at least a dozen times in her seminal 212.

We’re not even going to touch on Irvine Welsh because I suspect that bastard of having bought shares in that fucking word, the cunt.

Oh, and FYI—‘Gropecunt Lane’ was a perfectly acceptable street name in cities and towns in England during the Middle Ages. Especially in the red light districts. Let that sink in for a moment; quaint, picturesque England was entirely unbashful over this tiny, four letter word.

So what are all those easily offended cunts taking offense to, exactly?

Does it matter? None of them will ever become stellar wondercunts with that attitude anyhow. Let them eat cake (an unverifiable and highly suspect ‘quote’ from an eternally headless cunt that would never be mistaken for a wondercut, like, ever.)

So let’s take a quiet fucking moment an raise a glass—or several—to these awkward, loyal bastards, these weeping wondercunts to whom there is no compare.

I sincerely love you fuckers, you dirty, profane bastards. You make my world a  better place.

21 thoughts on “C U Next Tuesday

  1. I had to click through to this post when I saw the warning. I knew it would be witty and entertaining and I was right. There is a huge difference between swearing and being vulgar. This post, and your writing, are good examples of how to do the former without losing composure. You are naturally blessed with gravitas. Best wishes. xo

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  2. Fuck yes, I fucking love this motherfucking post. Fuck and cunt can’t fucking be said enough, in addition to a few other fucking profanities.

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  3. Ow Ow Ow Ow OW!!! I have been swearing less and less since a lowly cunt on the Board of Directors at my last job decided I wanted to quit and fucking politicked me out of work. (Juss thought I’d try it out…)
    Probably due to lapse in swearing, I found this blog post painful. Also, my French background means I consider “estie de câlice de tabarnak” punctuation, while words like fuck and cunt hurt my ears and offend my deepest sensibilities.
    Oh, your writing, as ever, is brilliant and your choice and treatment of topic shakes up my insides, which is most often my motive for reading. A fine exercize in self-awareness and getting over one’s self.

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    1. I love your commentaries Helene! Your first paragraph had me giggling like a school girl. 🙂 When I first moved to Montreal my inner Catholic was slightly shocked by the calibre of French swearing–it wasn’t entirely new to me but the frequency of exposure and clear definitions of what was being said certainly was!!! I love our dynamic and the way we’re always bouncing off each others words. Thank you for this, you are utterly lovely. xo

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  4. This was utterly glorious. I read a book on the history of profanity and apparantly religious swearing was the really taboo one around shakespeares time, and sexual swearing wasnt so bad. The reverse of now. ‘By God’s bones’ was the most scandalous thing you could say, like the n word today.

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    1. Thank you so much! And that sounds like an intriguing book–I live in Montreal and swearing in french is almost entirely based in religion. It really hasn’t changed, which is fascinating. I think I may have to look more deeply into the history of profanity. ‘By God’s bones’…quite a phrase–I may have to try and work that into conversation one day. 😉

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