Last Minute People

This is all about you, my familiar semi-stranger. The way you work.  The way you function. The way I feel after being in your space.

Notice the absence of the word we, for there is no we in either theory or action.

You are the slippage that accidently-on-purpose happens after one too many drinks; you are the prayer immediately following, the Hail-Mary petition to lower the price of such momentary carelessness.

You show up at closing time, the emotional equivalent of the revelatory vomiting that so often occurs in the closing seconds of any doctor’s appointment.

“Oh by the way…” Deliverance from the seat about to be vacated, from the doorway almost exited. “Oh by the way…”

…My heart stops beating every four seconds; I’ve been vomiting blood after each and every meal; I’ve been breaking down, curling into a ball and picking my skin until I bleed; I think he’s cheating; I think I’m cheating; I lost my job, my motivation, my mind…

Oh by the way…I love you, I hate you, I had a miscarriage, abortion, a violent moment whilst exiting the metro but don’t worry—I only bled for an hour.

Oh by the way I was standing in the street walking toward you away from me until I did an about-face and came home, which meant leaving the notion of home with you inside on the outside, our last several years locked inside, with our history and habits locked inside.

I went to the river and papa was right—the river is there.

And oh, by the way, I realized that sometimes shit is just shit and it needs to be wiped up and disposed of before it stains all that lies before us. Me, you, we…

And we leave it all to the final seconds before the door swings closed and a deal done is a done deal. You left it all to those final seconds when the walking away begins and the game of chicken ends. And oh by the way, we’ve left it all to be tripped over and bruised by; a threat to our routines but it is the threat that grows stagnant and not the routine.

And oh by the way I’m missing you as much as I’m missing me, as much as Tuesday misses Friday’s kiss, not because the days of the week actually matter but because we lined them up and gave them duties and then said that it did.

But it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

The body resolves that which is not mortal with time but the heart takes longer to heal; it is the most scarred-up muscle of all. And oh by the way, the scars that do not sing your name are merely making way for the tattoos that do…


12 thoughts on “Last Minute People

  1. I don’t even have words, this is dark but with that said it is so good. Raw emotion. I live in the dark sweetie! You and I have a lot in common when it comes to writing this way. I think you’re amazing and I love reading your blog! Keep it going~ 🙂

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  2. Love that opening line too, I thought the same thing as Jacks!! I don’t understand all the darkness hun’ but love the way you write, it has so much rhythm, I picture someone rapping it…

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  3. Okay, first off, life can suck but it beats the alternative for most of us, secondly, it can be good. That’s about it! Won’t say the droll…”Hope everything’s okay”; BS! Otherwise…loved it, your essay, once again great piece!!! I love, love the opening line…so good, describes you and I to T, and some others in our TAM online cliques. That line needs to be in the movies, but they really don’t usually deserve those kinds of deep thoughts or poetry. Waste it… No matter, it’s another good one Illian. You’re my semi-familiar stranger. Some ways that’s the best! Jacks

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    1. Jacks! Thank you for this. 🙂 Life can indeed be good. I’ve become increasingly aware of how dark my writing can seem sometimes–and I suppose it IS dark in some respects, or at least some of the topics are–but a lot of the time I’m turning topics/issues/emotions/observations over in my head or rolling those emotions around in my mouth to get a better feel for them. My blog has become an outlet for that type of thinking. I am indeed ok–and not everything in that post was from personal experience–some of it was experiencing other people’s pain and confusion but it went into the old processor anyway. 😉 I’m glad you like ‘semi-familiar strangers’–you are mine as well, though/and I often wonder what a cup of coffee between us would look like. Someday. And of course–thank you for the encouragement. I always take a real deep breath before hitting ‘publish’. Love ya Jacks. xoxo

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